I can't not without you
by RaineZylox
Summary: Balthazar's gone.. and Dean refuses to be without him.. refuses to go on living, because what is the point when he can't be with the one he loves most? Trigger Warning: Suicide, Trigger Warning: Self Harm


Dean was silent, the whole way back to Bobby's he didn't say a word. Dean knew that his silence was driving Sam up the wall, but he could give a rat's ass as to what Sam wanted right now. Dean didn't want to talk about how he was feeling; it should be pretty damn obvious how he was feeling. Dean was pissed, and upset, and he felt like he had his heart ripped out of him and stomped on.

Dean knew that Sam and Bobby wanted to talk about what they planned to do now that Castiel had gone all god mode on them. Though Dean could care less about what Castiel was doing at the moment. The only thing that was on his mind was the fact that his angel was dead… murdered by the one other angel who was supposed to be his friend.

Dean had been with Balthazar for a couple of months, maybe 4 tops. Though it felt like so much longer. It felt like Dean had been with Balthazar for years, and he had loved every single moment. Sure they fought, and there were times were one was really down... and the other had to cheer them up. It was like any other relationship in that sense. It had been perfect to Dean, something he never thought he deserved to have.

Though it was made clear to Dean now that he wasn't meant to have it, because it had been ripped from him… just like everything that made him happy was. Dean had promised to keep him safe, he had promised he would always be there for Balthazar and he had failed him. Dean hadn't been there to stop Cas from killing Balthazar. Dean should have been there, and he wasn't… and now the one person that meant the most to him in the world was gone forever.

When Bobby actually pulled up at his cabin that they had been staying at, he didn't even feel the car stop. It wasn't until Sam nudged him that he realized they were there. Dean watched as Bobby and Sam headed into the house, to either drink or talk about their next move. Dean didn't want to do either; he just wanted to be left alone. His mind was reeling, and he just needed it all to stop... he needed the pain to stop. Though Dean knew that as long as Balthazar was dead, the pain never would stop. Dean knew damn well he couldn't take much more of this.

So once that thought crossed his mind, he managed to climb out of the car, he grabbed his knife from the trunk of the car and instead of heading inside… he walked into the surrounding forest. Dean walked for a good hour or two, he wanted to make sure he was deep enough into the forest that it would take a while before Bobby or Sam found him.

Once he found a nice enough clearing he stopped and took a deep breath, he took off his jacket and tossed it to the ground. Dean knew he wouldn't need it anymore, and it would only get in his way for what he was about to do. Dean ended up having to strip off the two other long sleeve shirts that he was wearing. All that was left was a V-neck shirt that he had put on by mistake the morning before. It belonged to Balthazar… and that thought alone made all of this hurt even more.

Dean twirled the knife around in his hands; all he could think about was the blond hair angel… how he knew he couldn't live without Balthazar. Dean had fought through so much, he hung on for so longer... though all the bullshit. Though this….this was something he was sure he couldn't actually live though, there was absolutely no way he could live without Balthazar…it just wasn't going to happen.

Dean had no idea how long he was just standing there, staring down at the ground and the knife in his hand. Dean knew he was crying, he could feel the tears pouring down his face...and they blurred his vision. Though Dean just choose to ignore it all. Dean knew what he had to do.. he was just trying to think of the best way to do it.

Finally he took a deep breath and raised the knife up staring at it for a good long minute before taking it and cutting Deep into his arm vertically. The cut was from his wrist to his elbow, it was as deep as he could get. Dean managed to just bite through the pain, telling himself that he deserved nothing less for failing the one he loved.

Once he had the first arm done he took a deep shaky breath and put the knife in the other hand. Dean had to do it to both wrists, if he wanted to do this properly. Dean managed to repeat the action to his other arm, though that was a lot harder to do. Once both arms were slit open he let the knife fall to the ground. Dean's breath became raggedy and fast. Dean held his arms straight out, with the wounds facing downward.

Dean watched as all the blood from the cuts began to drip out of his arms. He forced himself to concentrate on the pain, the pain he deserved. Dean knew that if he was going to give up on life, then he was going to do it in the slowest way he could think of. If he knew were a deep body of water was he would have tied some rocks to his feet and let himself suffocate… but he managed with what he had.

It didn't take long for Dean to feel the effects of losing so much blood at once. Within 20 minutes his world was spinning and everything was slowly fading to black. Dean fought unconsciousness, because he wanted to be awake in order to feel as much pain as he could before he finally died. Though his body soon said otherwise. Dean finally had to succumb to the darkness and his body fell forward with a loud thud that would go unheard by human ears.

It wasn't long after that that moment that Dean Winchester finally died. A good 20 minutes later and he was gone to the world. There was no bringing him back this time, his soul managed to find its way to heaven.. or hell depending on what a certain new god thought best for it.

It wasn't till about 4 hours later that he was found, but he wasn't found by Bobby or Sam… he was found by none other than Balthazar. The angel had snapped himself into the area, not realizing that he would be arriving to a horrific sight.

"Sorry Darling for taking so long, I would have been here sooner but I got ca-" Balthazar cut himself off when he finally took in the sight before him. For a good minute he was frozen, with a look of absolute horror on his face. Balthazar took in the sight of Dean Winchester in a pool of his own blood.

Though finally he snapped out of it and ran to his lover's side. Balthazar flipped him over and went to try and heal the wounds, but that was when he felt it.. there was no soul left in the body. Dean Winchester was long gone. "No no no no no.. this wasn't supposed to happen.. it was supposed to fake my death..and everything was going to be fine.. we were gonna be together… dammit Dean... bloody hell why do you always have to over react!" he yelled at the lifeless body.

Balthazar wasn't even registering the fact that he was crying, all he could think about was how stupid he had been for not realizing that Dean would over react, and that Sam and Bobby wouldn't keep a good enough eye on him.

Balthazar held the dead body to him, holding on to the man he had loved so much. He didn't know what to do. So he just sat there, holding the dead body close and crying… whispering and rambling on as if Dean was still there. Though eventually he remembered that he was a bloody angel and he could just go to heaven and be with dean! It was perfect! Everything would be okay.

So with that thought Balthazar gently put his lover's body down and stood up. Balthazar closed his eyes and visualized heaven in his mind and went to snap himself up. Though nothing happened.. he was being blocked, locked out.

Balthazar's eyes opened wide when he realized that he couldn't get to heaven, Castiel… or rather God Castiel had cut Balthazar off. Balthazar was unable to get into heaven; he was unable to get to his Dean. Balthazar felt his whole world shatter, as he the realization that he would never see Dean again sunk in.

Balthazar sank to his knees and pulled the cold body back into his arms, because that was all he could do. Balthazar held onto the dead body as he began to cry all over again. Balthazar stayed there for a long time, mourning the loss of his lover.. because what else could he do?


End file.
